Pro Tip - Squeeze From the Top.

I thought I might post on here a few of the fun things that happen in my house... fun, fun, annoying things. I quite enjoy living with my two housemates, but they do frustrate me at times. So I'll try and post the occasional tip for house-sharing or story from the inner-suburban jungle (in brief.) I'm not too worried about my housemates reactions, I firmly believe the current ones don't read a word I write.

So in my house there are we three lads. There were two more lads, making five lads in total, but one lad went to live with some other lads and the other lad shacked up with his non-lad for a week then pissed off to the country or something. So now there are we three lads.

We lads have been living fairly independently of each other for our 11 or so months together. In addition to separate food, we have also been individual soap, toothpaste and other toiletries. I don't know why, I guess that's what happens when no-one discusses these things and you just let nature take it's course. I think in the first week we all bought these items seperately and then assumed that someone in the house had a problem with sharing toiletries, and now we're just too lazy or ignorant to discuss it. In a house of lads, would you expect any less?

Being a lad, I'm fairly lazy. To those of you who know me (so all six of you reading this), this statement is as self-evident as the grim spectre of death, and will come as no startling revelation. The only shock that may arrise from this admission is that it may indicate some acceptance of my disorder on my part, and even a ray of hope that I may actually intend to undertake a journey of self-improvement. I assure you that while I am fully aware and accepting of my condition, I do not intend to undertake any such course or venture.

Anyway, I'm lazy. Evidence of this (though not required for my readers, which makes this whole exercise almost seem like too much effort) is that I almost always squeeze my toothpaste from the top of the tube. I have been chastised by mother and former girlfriends alike that I should squeeze from the bottom first, so as to extract the most from the tube and to ensure the top is always full (or something like that, I think there was something in there about being courteous to the next person to use the tube as well.) For me, the idea never cottoned on. I need to say however, the reason I squeeze from the top is not purely laziness. It's also a quiet form of rebellion in the most white-bred and utterly pointless fashion.

I think to myself, 'Why? Why squeeze from the bottom first? Is it the bottom of the tube leaking, or will it go stale if we don't use the paste in the right order or style? Is there a blackhole in the bottom of the tube that will draw in the paste and the tube and all of physical existence if I don't squeeze from the bottom first? And if that's important, then certainly the order in which I brush my teeth matters too? Back first, then front? Left-side or right first? And what if I have an uneven number of teeth? Isn't that a sign of Satan?'

So yeah anyway, I always squeeze from the top, because y'know, like it fucking matters. And I notice that in all the time I've been using my current tube, I've never had to refill the reservoir at the top. Every 36 hours or so when I go to brush, there's always enough at the top of the tube for me to not have to slide up the paste from the bottom. Seems strange huh?

Fairly sure it indicates someone else is using this tube... which is fine, really. It's just the secrecy of it all. We have clearly not shared anything without asking first in the whole time we've been living together, and now this. It's crossing a line.

The best part is, he's probably really ticked off that he always has to squeeze from the bottom. I'm fairly sure that he wouldn't see how when you establish a relationship in a certain context, it sends a message when you step outside of that, even for something minor. All he would see is that I'm being inconsiderate, making him always squeeze from the bottom to get the most out of the tube.

For the record, he's welcome to my toothpaste, my soap, my shampoo and even my loo paper. (That we do share, but usually you can only get one wipe out of a sheet anyway.) But I'm fairly sure he'd never replace it, he'd just wait until I did. And that's why it's crossing a line.

Songs for your next mixtape - December 2011

Hey all.

This months list is pretty varied. Mainly just songs that have been getting stuck in my head since the last list. Playlist will go up on 8tracks.com in a day or two. Enjoy!

Song - Artist - Album

Godless - The Dandy Warhols - Thirteen Tales From Urban Bohemia
Know Your Enemy - Rage Against the Machine - Rage Against the Machine
Fuck Her Gently - Tenacious D - Tenacious D
Confessions Pt. 2 - Usher - Confessions
Neon Valley Street - Janelle Monae - The ArchAndroid
Big Me - Foo Fighters - Foo Fighters
Ball and Biscuit - The White Stripes - Elephant
I Woke Up Today - Port O'Brien - The Wind and Swell
Ize of the World - The Strokes - First Impressions of Earth
If - The Flaming Lips - Embryonic
Sunday Morning - Maroon 5 - Maroon 5
Que Onda Guero - Beck - Guero
She's Got Something to Say - The Vines - Winning Days
Why Don't You Get a Job? - The Offspring - Americana
Squeaky Toys - Felix Laband - Thin Shoes in June
So Sorry - Feist - The Reminder
Move On Now - Hard-Fi - Stars of CCTV
Strobelite Honey - Black Sheep - A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing
Devil Will Ride - Gomez - Liquid Skin
Spirit Street (Fade Out) - Radiohead - The Bends

Update: Now available to stream for free at http://8tracks.com/flexoskeleton

Sandwiches?

Bitch make me a sandwich? Really?

I've been having trouble completely understanding this meme. I know it's meant to be degrading women by implying they should stop engaging in whatever activity is taking place and go to the kitchen to serve the culinary desires of a man. The difficulty I have with this insult, other than the fact that it is the retort of generally pretty unintelligent men who are unable to level insults in more intelligent ways, is the choice of sandwiches. Why sandwiches?

Here's the thing. I don't have anything against sandwiches. Often a nutritious delicious snack or meal  for lunch, afternoon tea, dinner or supper. But it is hard to deny there are certainly more enjoyable foods that could be prepared and consumed if you were going to demand that someone prepare you food. A roast dinner for example. Maybe a pasta meal. Or perhaps an omelet. Bitch make me an omelet as it's much tastier than a sandwich.

However I suppose sandwiches are reasonably universal. After all, not everyone likes eggs. People the world over have enjoyed the combination of various foods between pieces of bread since the Earl of Sandwich first thought up the idea in the 18th Century. This may be why this particular meal was chosen. Bitch make me a simple meal which almost anyone can appreciate and enjoy. And hard to screw up.

The simplicity of the sandwich may also be derivative of its selection. That there are fewer meals which are as simple and quick to prepare and enjoy is notable. Bitch, I do not consider you intelligent and able enough to prepare me a meal of real substance, but I believe the humble sandwich to be within your grasp. I'm hungry right now and don't have time for your inferior intellect to grasp the complex omelet folding process. Oh snap.

I think this simplicity can be extended to the fact that almost anything can be in a sandwich. It's a very basic concept really. In any online argument where a man is outwitted by a woman, he can simply retort with 'Bitch make me an X sandwich.' Say if you are having an argument about cheese. Or postage stamps. Or electoral reform. Any of these can be referred to in sandwich form, the more abstract the idea the greater the degree of hilarity and insult. Bitch, make me an electoral reform sandwich. Hilarious.

Maybe I'm over-thinking it all. Maybe the first man to tell a bitch to make him a sandwich really just wanted a sandwich. Not hungry enough for a big meal, but hungry all the same. If ever I meet him, I'll ask him. And maybe give him a sandwich maker for Christmas.

Flexoskeleton. Asking important questions.

The Flaming Lips - Thebarton Theatre - 16/11/11

My Flaming Lips review is available here.

Photos from the gig are available here.

If you ever get the chance to go see these guys, do it. They're awesome!

Kings of fucking Leon

Let me preface this by saying that Kings of Leon put on a great live show. They came out on-time, performed beautifully, played all the good songs and didn’t show any symptoms of the ‘exhaustion’ that resulted in the tour being postponed earlier this year. In fact, you can read all about it here. That said, there’s just no writing a review of their show without saying something of KoL fans. Never before have I encountered an audience with such a high proportion of stuck-up pricks.

I arrived at about 7:45 and then proceeded to work my way to the front of the stage. I ended up getting within about ten meters of the front barricade, just right of centre, where my friend was waiting for me. Little did we realise at the time but we were in the worst standing position in the arena. It became apparent that the people who surrounded us on all sides had decided to get as close as they could to the front of the stage, yet had failed to consider what this actually meant.

For all the stuck-up fans of any band out there, if you’re going to get up close at a gig maybe you should take the following into account:

Deciding to stand ten metres from the front barrier means being prepared for the possibility of getting bumped, knocked or touched by other audience members. Obviously no-one wants to get punched, kicked, or jumped on. But the fact of the matter is that when the music is getting heavy people are going to move around and the idea of personal space pretty much goes out the window. If you can’t handle the heat, sit at the back. Getting close to the band comes at a price.

I ended up stuck in between ‘too-old-to-be-here’ people and the 13 year old girls. This limited my ability to jump around but there were still a few opportunities I couldn’t pass up. For example, when they played ‘Four Kicks’ early in the set I decided to get my jump on. After all, it was a rock and roll show.

The swarm of girls in front of me seemed none too pleased and I was actually told off by the older folks to my left. Yes, you read correctly. I was told off, at a rock show, for jumping around. Let me make it clear; I wasn’t exactly frogstomping my way through the crowd, (it was KoL, not Limp Bizkit), so I kept it pretty tame.  Most of the time I was nodding my head and enjoying the show, keeping to myself. However I still felt that I reserved the right to jump around and have fun when it got heavy.

For most of the gig I had an older woman to my left, maybe 45, actually trying to elbow myself and others out of her way so she could have a metre radius in which to do her thing. At one point I got asked to move back a few steps, to which I could only reply that there were a few thousand people behind me and that moving back a few steps might prove difficult. She did have a point I suppose. She and I had touched elbows several times thanks to her Nutbush-inspired freestyle dancing and clearly she should have been able to move about the area without any disturbance or intrusion.

So by now you’re probably thinking that it was I who was the turd in the punchbowl, and that I was probably ruining it for everyone else. Well this was a rock concert and we were standing right up near the stage. I would understand people getting uppity if I was acting like a tool, throwing fists and kicks around and dropping people like no-ones business. In the end, I jumped to a few songs and because we were all trying to get as close as possible, yes, I ended up inadvertently touching my fellow audience members. But is this really unreasonable? I didn’t begrudge the old-timers for coming to see a band of boys who could have been their children, nor did I mind sharing space with the young teenagers who kept screaming for Caleb to take off his shirt. For some reason my kind wasn’t as welcome.

Another thing I found surprising was the lack of audience response during the set. Although KoL weren’t very engaging with the audience there were clear moments where Caleb deliberately did not sing lyrics so the audience would. The part of the audience I was in was either too cool or too stupid to sing along. I’m fairly certain I got a look or two for trying to sing along. Again… what the hell?

I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised. This gig confirmed my suspicion that most KoL fans are pains in the hole. With KoL, there are the people that were ‘cool’ enough to know about them before ‘Only By The Night’ and then there are those who didn’t know about them before that album.

For some reason, people who knew about them before they became massively successful seem to think that this makes them better than the rest of us. I guess there’s something to be said about knowing something before it was cool. My only problem with this is that all of the people I know who claim to have known KoL before OBTN seem to save a special look of disgust for people who didn’t know about the band before then.

I actually can’t think of any other band where there is a greater sense of superiority among people who knew about a band before it was mainstream. I can empathise with these people, particularly when something is just becoming mainstream and you get some precocious punk trying to tell you how you should check this band you’ve been into for years already.

But to those folks, I say get over it. Seriously. Move on. If you need something like that to make you cool or interesting, you’re not cool or interesting.

I’m actually glad I didn’t discover KoL until OBTN because I’ve been able to enjoy each of their albums to their fullest. In the end, those KoL fans who look at people like me with disgust are usually the ones who say ‘the new albums are shit.’ Well actually they’re not shit, they’re just different. Maybe if you were really into KoL you could enjoy them too? Oh what’s that? You’ve got your head stuck so far up your own arse while you worship your copy of ‘Aha Shake Heartbreak’ that you can’t enjoy ‘Come Around Sundown’? To them I say ‘sods you all!’ Or, as Ice Cube so eloquently put it, ‘eat shit and die!’

Songs for your next mixtape - November 2011

A new month is upon us, and as such, a new playlist is due. This month I went for some songs to lift us out of our end-of-academic-year blues. Hopefully some of these tracks put you in a better mood during this exam period. And you're not taking exams, hopefully they give you a good feeling anyway :)

Also, I decided to add the name of the album/EP that each track is from, so you can look it up if you wish to acquire it along with more by that artist.

Track - Artist/Band - Album

Lust for Life - Girls - Album

Quiet Dog Bite Hard - Mos Def - The Ecstatic

I Miss You - Blink 182 - Blink 182

Volcano (Four Tet Remix) - Anti-Pop Consortium - Volcano EP

All That We Perceive - Thievery Corporation - The Richest Man In Babylon

Straight Outta Compton - N.W.A - Straight Outta Compton

Whoever You Are - Brian Jonestown Massacre - Give It Back!

Blood - The Middle East - The Recordings of the Middle East

She Holds A Grudge - Jet - Shaka Rock

So It Goes - Verve - A Northern Soul

Do Me A Favour - Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare

Simple Things - Belle and Sebastian - The Boy With the Arab Strap

Trouble - Coldplay - Parachutes

She Lives In My Lap - Andre 3000 - The Love Below

Two Shoes - The Cat Empire - Two Shoes

Cannonball - The Breeders - Last Splash

Stay Don't Go - Spoon - Kill the Moonlight

One Step Closer - U2 - How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb

Why Doesn't Andy? - The Whitlams - Undeniably

Video Games - Lana Del Rey - Video Games EP

And good luck to all those playing the ponies today!

update: you can now enjoy this playlist at 8tracks.com - http://8tracks.com/flexoskeleton

Who is the next Cameron Ling?

With Cameron Ling announcing that he will retire from the AFL, it begs a question of all football commentators and pundits. I speak not of who the new Geelong captain will be, or who will hold the honour of being the game's best tagger, but of who will now be regarded as the ugliest player in the League. Ling has left some big furry orange shoes to be filled, and Flexoskeleton would like to name the following candidates.

1. Aaron Sandilands

Already one of the tallest and heaviest men to play the game, there is no reason this man-mountain should not also hold the honour of the game's ugliest mug. Similar to Ling, Sandilands is one of the premier niche players in the competition and has earned the respect of his peers despite his appearance.

2. Chad Cornes

Although Chadwick announced his retirement this year, he has been strongly linked with new team Greater Western Sydney and if he plays, we believe Chad has a very strong chance of taking Ling's mantle. Chad, like his father Graham, has a truly haggard appearance. However he differs from Ling in that he also has a personality to match. What has endeared us to Ling over the years was his loveable character in spite of his truly unsightly looks. In the case of Chad, it seems he has no redeeming features as a human whatsoever. (OK, maybe he was a reasonable footballer...)

3. Dean Brogan

Dean is in a similar boat to Chad in that he is officially retired, but expected to play on in a mentoring role at GWS next year. He is also similar to Chad in that he has a truly ugly personality to match his 'smacked-arse' face. Flexoskeleton sees no reason why the former Adelaide 36ers player should not hold the position of the AFL's ugliest player except that the bloke might take it as a compliment.

4. Jarryd Roughead

Flexskeleton understands it is tough being compared to Luke Hodge and Lance Franklin every weekend, but even without these comparisons, Roughead is a pretty ugly dude. Roughead is however a top-class player and is a redhead like Ling. He is a more than suitable candidate.

5. Lewis Roberts-Thomson

I do not believe words are necessary. Poor Lewis. At least he'll always be a premiership player.

6. Todd Banfield

Todd is the ideal player to take over as the games ugliest player. A fiery red-nut and a nuggety style of play, he is the most Ling-like player around. Furthermore, he's hideous. This is Flexoskeleton's choice for the new ugliest man in AFL.

So there you have it. One of these men should be set to take one most revered and least respected titles in the AFL. Feel free to cast your vote or suggest new candidates in the comments.

As an end note, Flexoskeleton would like to acknowledge some retiring players who have been close to laying claim to Ling's crown their whole careers, but because of Ling's exceptional skill in this area, were never quite good enough. Cam Mooney, Leigh Brown and Brady Rawlings are also retiring this year and will never get hold the title as the game's ugmo. However, your faces will never be forgotten (unfortunately.)